Boundaries Aren’t an Excuse for Entitlement: Want a Village? Be a Villager

There’s a saying that keeps coming back around: “If you want a village, you have to be a villager.” It’s simple, but it’s one of those truths that hits deeper the longer you sit with it. We all crave community, whether it’s a family, supportive friendships, reliable neighbours or people who celebrate our wins and catch us when we fall. However, a new cycle has emerged: everyone wants this support, but no one gives it, expecting more while doing less and using self-care and boundaries as an excuse.

Let’s talk about it.

Boundaries: Their Real Purpose (and the Trap)

Here’s the thing: somewhere along the line, boundaries and self-care have been twisted into buzzwords that justify not showing up, avoiding hard conversations, ghosting friends, dodging responsibility, or disappearing when things get tough or inconvenient. What started as a loving and empowering way to protect your energy and show up as your best self has too often become an easy excuse for selfish or inconsiderate behaviour.

First of all, boundaries are about clearly defining what’s healthy and respectful for you—emotionally, mentally, and physically. They’re meant to help you protect your energy, communicate your needs, and create space for genuine connection without sacrificing your own well-being. Boundaries are a way of saying, “This is what I need to feel safe, valued, and at my best,” while still leaving room for others to do the same. At their core, boundaries are rooted in self-respect and mutual respect, making it possible to show up in relationships as your healthiest, most authentic self.

But now it seems that boundaries have become a catch-all excuse for avoiding discomfort, dodging responsibility, and putting your own needs above everyone else’s—sometimes at the expense of your relationships. Rather than being used as a tool for healthy connection, they’re too often twisted into a way to justify checking out, ignoring the people who count on you, or acting selfishly. What was meant to be empowering and loving has, for some, become a shield for selfishness, avoidance, and even a lack of basic kindness. For example, instead of having a tough but necessary conversation with a friend, someone might claim they’re “protecting their peace” and stop responding. Or rather than supporting a loved one going through a rough patch, they might say, "I'm focusing on my own healing right now,” using self-care as a reason to disengage completely. Sometimes, it’s as simple as bailing on plans at the last minute or not showing up to celebrate a friend, and justifying it as “enforcing boundaries” without considering how it affects others.

When boundaries are misused this way, the negative effects ripple out in every direction. For those around us, it can feel like abandonment, rejection, or being unimportant—especially when someone they care about suddenly withdraws or refuses to show up when it matters. Trust erodes, resentment builds, and relationships become shallow or strained, because people can’t rely on each other for real support. True connection means sometimes showing up even when it’s inconvenient, and recognising that relationships are a two-way street. If you want support, understanding, and care from others, you have to be willing to give those things back without using boundaries or self-care as convenient excuses to bail when it suits you.

For ourselves, this kind of avoidance leads to isolation and loneliness. While it might feel easier in the moment to put up walls and focus only on your own needs, over time it means missing out on deep, meaningful connections. You become less practised at handling conflict or discomfort, which makes relationships even harder to maintain. Ultimately, by confusing boundaries with avoidance, you end up undermining both your relationships and your own sense of belonging, and that is not empowering—it’s damaging.

You Want a Village? Be a Villager

The reality is you get out what you put in. Real connection requires effort, consistency, and reciprocity. If you want support, care, and understanding from others, you have to be willing to offer the same in return; otherwise, don’t expect anyone else to do it for you. Sending a text, planning a coffee hangout, actually listening—these are the basics. But showing up is checking in on a friend after a tough week, offering help before it’s asked for, and being there for someone’s hard moments as well as their happy moments. It’s putting down your phone and being present, sending the first text, organising the get-together, or remembering what matters to someone else. Sometimes, it means stepping out of your comfort zone, chatting to a neighbour, introducing yourself at an event, or joining a local group, even if it feels awkward. If you’re only present when it's easy for you, don’t expect deep connections or for others to go above and beyond for you. True connections come from these small, consistent acts of care and effort. If you want love and support around you, you have to invest your time, energy, and care. There’s no way around it: you get what you give.

So get real with yourself: Are you actually showing up for others, or just wishing they’d show up for you? Are you putting in the work, or just waiting for support to appear magically? Are you sitting on the sidelines and expecting anyone to read your mind or do the heavy lifting for you? Community isn’t built through wishful thinking or half-hearted effort. It takes guts. It means risking rejection, being the first to reach out, and sometimes swallowing your pride. You have to give and not just take, and you have to do it consistently. That’s how you find your people—the ones who show up for you because you’ve proven you’ll show up for them.

It’s simple: if you want something real, you have to do the work.